The Waste of Tiny Mammals
Kopi Luwak is an expensive novelty coffee that comes from the waste of a small mammal called a civet. Quite simply, a civet eats a cherry-like fruit that covers a coffee bean. The bean doesn’t get broken down in the little critter’s belly, and what is left is collected by some guy whose job description is “collecting animal waste and selling it to people who are into that kind of thing.”
In the best interest of humanity, I’ve decided to write a kind of press release in the voice of the civet. It might be presumptuous of me to claim I understand how the civet feels about its relationship with and contribution to mankind, but please remember I am merely trying to give a voice to the voiceless.
Also, it is probably best for everyone if you pretend this is as real and as serious as possible.
Small Asian Mammals Completely Aware of Where Their Bowel Movements Go
ASIA and EXPENSIVE COFFEE SHOPS, Jan. 27, 2012- Asian Palm Civets have officially announced that they have known about their contribution to humanity for quite some time.
“Do you honestly think we don’t notice the guy with the plastic bag in his hand, a grimace on his face trailing us all day?” asked Asian Palm Civets, the slightly more adorable looking version of ferrets. “None of us would have really been bothered by you guys cleaning up our waste and using it for your own good. In fact, we’re pretty sure that’s how nature is supposed to work. One specie’s waste is another’s expensive beverage. But couldn’t you have at least let us in on it? Maybe even consider giving us a cut of the profit?”
Civets currently have no plans to cease or even decrease production of their accessible waste. “Think about it,” Civets explained. “What the hell are we gonna do besides just let you guys take it? I mean, we shit on the ground. We’re not going to take an extra step in our excretion process just so you weird bastards can’t exploit us. That’s totally what you’re doing by the way. You’re totally just exploiting the shit out of us and the really gullible people who buy it. We like coffee beans, so we eat coffee beans. They like coffee beans, so you sell them our diarrhea.”
The civets also noted how lucky they felt to only contribute as little as they do. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad you guys only take our crap. If you’re willing to go that far to take what we literally consider waste, imagine what you would be willing to do if you liked our meat or fur. I can only imagine what cows must go through. Do you guys eat their shit, too? Is that something dumb rich people like as well?”
Wasn’t that fun? I mean, I just talked in the voice of an entire species of fuzzy mammals who eat cherry-covered coffee beans. That’s downright impressive, right guys?