Sage Advice

How To Get The Most Out Of A Baby

“If you’ve got a perfectly good baby just sitting around, you damn well better use it to make stuff”

-Hemingway

I’m a practical man. When I see a problem, I try to solve it. When I need to solve it, I use any tool at my disposal. That’s where babies come in. Sure, babies are good for normal baby stuff (feeding, devouring your energy, being a warm thing to put other things next to), but can’t babies be used for essential daily activities? Why limit our babies to what nature intended them to do? Here’s a quick guide to getting the most out of your babies:

Doorstop: Some babies are heavier than others. Some babies are smaller than others. All babies meet the required shape, weight, and density to hold a door open. I realize the same thing could be said of just about anything that has mass, but having a baby hold your door open is so much more efficient. First off, you’re teaching your baby important lessons in independence, basic laws of physics, and joining the workforce. Secondly, think about how people will react to seeing a perfectly good baby holding a door open. “Say,” strangers might say, “is that a baby being used as a doorstop? I feel like I should contact the authorities, but I am too baffled by the efficient use of this normally useless creature.”

Refrigerator Maintenance: Babies are naturally very warm. I think. Someone look that up. Anyway, by putting your baby in the freezer, you’ll be able to determine whether or not your cold foodstuffs are getting the much needed freezing temperature they deserve. Simply place the child into the freezer and see what color it turns into. If your baby turns a blue color, your freezer might be too cold. If you baby seems content with being in a freezer, your freezer might be too warm. Ideally, the baby should be just comfortable enough in the freezer for roughly 30 seconds to determine your freezer is at a normal temperature.

Coffee Tester: Look guys, I drink a lot of coffee. Coffee is hot. Sometimes it gets cold. I don’t want to drink coffee that is either too hot or too cold. Your baby can act as a perfectly good gauge for coffee temperature. Simply place the container in which your coffee resides on/in/through/by your baby. Apply similar practices found in the previous freezer scenario to determine whether or not your coffee is ready for consumption.

Window Washer: This one is so obvious I can’t believe I hadn’t thought of it sooner. Just give your baby some Windex and paper towels and let ‘em go. Babies absolutely love cleaning.

Movie Reviews: There are a lot of movies out there, guys. Some are good. Some are downright terrible. You don’t want to end up wasting nearly two hours of your life watching a movie that isn’t good. Here’s where your baby can be a huge help. Simply place a DVD/Blu-ray near your baby and watch their response. Did your baby fling it about, perhaps hurling the disc onto the floor? Then it’s probably good and worth your viewing. Did the baby largely ignore the film? Then it’s probably not worth your time.

You might notice that this baby doesn’t seem interested in Shaun of the Dead. I’ve seen Shaun of the Dead and can assure you it is an excellent film. This baby might be defective. If so, he will need to be replaced with a new baby of higher quality.

Pillow: It’s commonly known that babies are incredibly soft and cuddly. Often they will use you as a pillow, but that’s like holding a drooling pillow against your chest; it might feel fine, but that’s not how a pillow should be used. The best way to get the most out of your pillow is to lay your weary head onto it. This is why babies make excellent pillows; they don’t even mind if you sleep on them.

Toe Examiner: Babies like toes. It’s a scientific fact. Look at how much that baby in the picture likes toes. Why not have babies examine your toes? This seems like a win-win to me.

Remember, babies exist to make your life easier and better unless you let them ruin you financially, physically, and mentally. Just follow my better-uses for babies guide and your quality of life is guaranteed to improve. Also, if you have your own ways of making babies more useful, send me some examples. Let’s spread the knowledge.

-Matthew Fugere

Thanks to my brother, Michael Fugere, for letting me exploit his child for my personal gain. And by that I mean I was babysitting that day and didn’t tell him what I was going to be doing to his child. Sucker.

Please Take My Internet Survey

I’m doing some pretty crucial research for a thing where I’m pretending to do some pretty crucial research. I’m studying how people spend their time on the internet. Please take the following survey. Remember to add up your points (the numbers next to each answer) at the end to see what kind of internet personality you have. Also remember that this is serious research.

What kinds of websites do you visit the most while using the internet?

1. News and information websites (10 points)
2. Video and other multimedia websites (10 points)
3. Kitten-based websites (20 points)
4. Pornographic-based websites (100 points)
5. Pornographic-kitten-based websites (1000 points)

How do you connect to the internet?

1. A wireless connection (10 points)
2. A hardline connection (10 points)
3. This really interesting looking rock I found outside (-200 points)
4. Magic invisible waves I don’t understand but nevertheless worship (1000 points)

In your opinion, which of the following words best describes the internet?

1. Chunky (1000 points)
2. Furry (10 points)
3. Smooth (-10000 points)
4. Curry-based (500 points)

Can you read?

1. No (1000 points)
2. No (500 points)
3. No (600 points)
4. No (-1 point)

Would you ever consider doing battle with an armor-clad lizard?

1. You’ve basically just described a fantasy of mine (50000 points)
2. No, I’m a jerk who doesn’t like fun (60 points)
3. No, I’m a loser-jerk who is also dumb and doesn’t like fun (65 points)
4. Yes (10 points)

Do you think I could pull this off?

1. I really don’t see why not (10000 points)
2. Oh, totally (1000 points)
3. Maybe in the summer (80 points)
4. Try another color (-1000000 points)

Don’t look now, but that person you don’t like is Facebook stalking you

1. Don’t mind him, that’s just Jim (100 points)
2. I owe him money (1000 points)
3. Stalk him back (1000 points)
4. I’m stalking him actually (10000 points)

Which of the following diseases would you compare to the internet?

1. Definitely SIDS, if that counts as a disease (10000 points)
2. Wow, I can’t believe I answered with SIDS, I’m disgusting (10000 points)

Whatcha thinkin’?

1. Oh, you know (1000000 points)
2. That shoe you couldn’t pull off (-1000000)

How do you internet?

1. Please repeat the question (0 points)

This isn’t really a question, but I just wanted to let you know that you look nice today.

1. That’s so sweet of you! (10000 points)
2. I’m going to let that go to my head now (10 points)
3. That’s unsettling (5 points)

Oh, you totally deserved it!

1. It’s just so nice to get a compliment once in awhile, ya know (10000 points)
2. Don’t just assume I answered 1 for that last question (-2 points)
3. Goddamn it, that is so unsettling (10 points)

Could I borrow your car later?

1. Yup (10000 points)

Oh that’s so sweet of you!

1. Oh, it’s no problem, just get it back it to me whenever you can (10000 points)
2. Stop it (0 points)

Yeah, I’ll bring it back in like two weeks at most.

1. That’s fine (1000 points)
2. Stop it, seriously (0 points)

Would you mind filling another survey I’m doing about wildlife and bare-knuckle boxing? I think I slipped one of the questions into this one anyway. You might as well go do it.

1. Sure (10 points)
2. Yup (10 points)
3. No (-0 points)

What’s your average internet connection speed?

1. We’re past this bullshit at this point (-1/2 points)
2. So many (1000 points)
3. Not so many (0 points)

And your Social Security Number?

1. 867951235 (points)
2. 972501205 (points)
3. 451025632 (points)
4. 987562023 (points)

Okay, remember when I said back there that I was going to bring your car back in like two weeks? That plan is shot and now we’ve got two hours to spray-paint a goat blue and sell it to my dad.

1. I’ll drive (X/0 points)

Points breakdown:

-100000 or less: You’re racist and I’d look fabulous in that

1000000 or more: You’re doing this internet thing really well

-Matthew Fugere

Sage Advice 100: Perpetual Poignant Prevalence Periods

We all have to try to push ourselves to and beyond our limitations. Creatively, professionally, financially, jumpingoffaroofbecauseyouthinkyoucanflyally. If we don’t challenge ourselves throughout our lives, we get far too comfortable with the now, and the now usually involves eating candy on a beanbag chair while you cry to the sounds of Entertainment Tonight in the background.

Goal-setting a great way to approach your life challenges but only if you approach the goal carefully. It’s important that you scaffold your goal. It allows you to break a massive obstacle into tiny doable slices of now-altering moments saturated with lackluster effort. Anytime I need to get something done, I divide that something into a million pieces, each one being far less daunting or difficult than the overall goal.

Take bathing for example. Sure, I could just hop in the shower and be on my way, but isn’t that just a sensory overload when you’re only moments into being awake? You have to break a complicated process like that down into managable pieces. First, you gotta disrobe. Then you have to stare at yourself in the mirror for awhile. Then you rerobe. Repeat that process for at least ten minutes. Once you’re comfortable, get into the shower. Turn on some water. Stand. Get out of the shower. Dry off. Rerope again.

If I didn’t breakdown showering like this every morning, I would be paralyzed by the fear and intimidation that comes with a regularly twenty minute commitment.

That’s how I treat my life as a whole. Step by step. I won’t even consider approaching a new activity without considering the steps I need to take to consider the consideration of the original consideration. It’s this kind of meticulous analysis that keeps me in perpetual meta-understanding of my daily path. To the untrained eye, I look like I’m in perpetual fear of the entire world as I’m unwilling and unable to take even the slightest of risks or opportunities—untrained being the operative adjective in that sentence.

But let’s get back to goals and how we need them to push ourselves into more advanced stages of life. It’s important that you set goals that are relevant yet challenging to your life. For me, that usually involves convincing the tiny rodents that live in my closet to keep the noise level of their aerobics class to a minimum (no one wants to hear sweating critters at midnight). It’s challenging because they often don’t listen, and it’s relevant because it directly impacts my day-to-day.

There are those life goals, though. The big things you want to get done before your roof caves in and crushes your spine and you’re forced to live the rest of your days in a hospital bed wondering why you didn’t bother calling a contractor to fix your house a long time ago. I don’t usually think of what mine are. After all, I’m consistently afraid I’m going to be killed at any moment, so what’s the point of practically considering something I won’t get to experience?

I do, however, impractically consider things I won’t get to experience, thus my life goals are usually quite extravagant. For example, did you know that, before I die, I want to be the first person to conquer the moon and establish an Earth-worshipping religion on it? We’ll be called the Earthinites and we’ll always wear the colors blue and green and we’ll make fun of the other moon people who don’t get why Earth is so great.

That’s a lifetime goal for me. I know it’s not very likely, but if you don’t set your standards high, how are you supposed to pretend you’re better than everyone else?   

Sincerely,

-Matthew Fugere

P.S.

Oh my, look, 100! Isn’t that a nice round number? You know, I’ve been writing Sage Advice since last June or so. Oh what a wonderful time it has been. I get to vomit some incoherent sentences onto a word processor and then you get to read them. That’s a pretty powerful thing we got going on, right?

The document I use to write the drafts for these things is up to 32,000 words. That sounds like a lot to me. As if had I dedicated that kind of time and attention to something practical and engaging, I would have a much more interesting and refined product. Alas, I didn’t so I don’t.

I do, however, know someone reads this stuff. Not many someones, but even the smallest number of someones means a great deal to me. If you’re one of those someones, I truly do appreciate the time and energy you spend on my trying really hard to be funny. I hope you enjoyed it and feel as though it was worth that time and energy.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for laughing (if you did). Hopefully I can get you to keep doing both.

Sage Advice 99: Getting Sentimental

People are able to infuse all kinds of meaning into seemingly meaningless material objects. One minute the concrete dog statue playing a banjo that keeps your front door propped open is just a chunk of rock that you accidentally kick when you walk into your house and the next it’s a symbolic artifact representing a time when your wife didn’t lock you out of your own house because you told her about your true feelings for the postman the other day. Symbolism can be complicated.

I’ve never been able to maintain sentiment with material objects; injecting ideas and emotions into a physical object has never come naturally for me. I’ve conveniently convinced myself that it’s because I consider the feelings and ideas behind those sentiments as being far more important than any possession you could connect to them, thus I try to let memories carry sentiment for me, stashing them into the neglected crevices of my mind like some would leave a love letter in shoebox, collecting dust in a closet.

That’s not true though. The real reason I don’t hold the material to sentimental standards is because I’m completely convinced that all objects are trying to kill me. Think about it. What kills more people than anything (except maybe cancer and heart disease and distressed mother goats)? Things. Things murder the shit out of people like it’s no big deal.

Buses, rocks, bullets, woodchips, glass, gold nuggets you find in your basement, bright yellow polyester gloves, string, horseshoes, any pointy rock, your Dale Earnhardt collector Dr. Pepper cans, pictures of Ryan Gosling taken with a Polaroid camera, Polaroid cameras. That’s just a small list of the ridiculous number of things that could murder you on a moment’s notice.

I’ve never been one to spread paranoia and fear through intimidation, but if you really think letting a thing represent a feeling will stop it from murdering someone, you’re basically a terrorist. Try looking at that stuffed teddy bear your mom gave you when you were an infant in the same light after being told that. You won’t be able to.

Sincerely,

-Matthew Fugere

Sage Advice 97: Exercise

The most important part about having a body is making sure it’s functional enough to not die. That sounds easy enough, but as your age advances and you begin to realize that, while certainly creative, “The Hyperbolic Chipmunks” is not the a great name for a metal band, your body becomes a far more difficult thing to care for. The meat-n-bone sack of flesh you drag around is like the opposite of a child; instead of slowly developing into an independently functioning system that doesn’t require your guidance, it demands more and more attention and care as time goes by.

That’s why exercise is so important. It’s crucial for the future of your body to construct and maintain an engaging training regimen. Some people like to narrow this down to getting a decent amount of cardiovascular activity in their daily lives. Like most things, however, I take it up a notch. For every moment most people spend jogging or doing pushups, I spend double that time thinking about those activities.

I know for a fact that thinking takes some amount of energy. I’m not sure if that energy is equivalent to the amount of energy it takes to jog a mile, but I am sure that it’s way easier. The best part about my mental-physical fitness workouts is what all I can do while I’m doing them. I’m not just talking about what I’m able to do in the physical world either. The me jogging in my head isn’t just jogging. No, he is jogging and fighting a bear and writing a novel and curing cancer and kickboxing and trying on new pants and avoiding the plague and collecting stamps all at the same time.

That’s where mental exercise has to be better than real exercise. How many more calories do you think you burn if you’re thinking about fighting a bear while you think about jogging? It’s gotta be more than if you just actually jogged.

Sincerely,

-Matthew Fugere

Sage Advice 96: Cultural Legitimacy

One of the best parts about culture is judging. You get to say whether something is good or bad just based off the previous things you thought were good or bad. It’s really fun. The interesting part about judging is considering how valid the thing you examine is after you deem it terrible. If something is considered a poorly executed piece of expression, does it even get to be considered part of our culture? Is every expression a legitimate investigation of the social conscious of our times? Is it okay to say Two and a Half Men is the television equivalent of cancer?

Subjectivity. I guess that’s what it comes down to. However, I still question if there’s a chance of a particular expression being universally rejected as sincere art or culture. Certainly, at some point in time, there had to have been something someone did that just about everyone hated. Like maybe when cave-paintings started to get big, there was one Neanderthal who drew a picture of a mammoth that made everyone else in the village think he was just being ridiculous. Maybe the mammoth’s tusks were drawn all crooked and weird and the texture for the fur was just smudged and bland looking. All of his caveman buddies were like, “Dude, seriously? You can’t even get a picture of a mammoth right? How are people supposed to know what they look like generations from now if you’re fucking up the most basic details?” And he was all, “You just have to imagine the mammoth. This piece only gives as much as you’re willing to take.” Then the other cavemen called him a pretentious cunt and threw him into a bonfire.

But that crappy imaginary mammoth situation I made up back there was still representative of some aspect of that particular culture. Sure, when you consider society as a whole, maybe picking the mammoth with stupid tusks and dumb hair isn’t the best choice, but it is still showing someone’s thoughts and ideas at the time even if it was counter to the general understanding of a mammoth.

That’s why it’s difficult to completely brush aside any expression I find poorly constructed. I may not like it, but that’s someone’s expression or understanding of the universe. Isn’t there something to be said of that, even if that person’s understanding of the universe sucks?

Sincerely,

-Matthew Fugere

Sage Advice 95: The Mother Of Invention

According to my sources, the mother of invention is necessity. I’m not done fact-checking this information, but it does make sense. However, we generally invent something to make an activity easier or more accessible to the untrained masses. So I think the saying should be more along the lines of “laziness is the mother of invention.”

Watch television for more than a few seconds and you’ll see the kinds of things people consider inventions. Want a set of stairs for your dog to use to get to your bed? You can buy those. How about a blanket that does that whole covering you with warmth part without all the hassle of a normal blanket by adding armholes? Yup, they’ve got those, too.

I’m starting to think mankind is at the apex of necessary and intelligent inventions. Don’t get me wrong, we’re still pumping out some really great stuff. I saw an invention not too long ago that was able to break down just about anything and convert it into drinkable water. That’s pretty amazing. However, even the flashy and interesting growth of modern technology feels like more of a novelty than a necessity. Take any smart phone for example. There is no reasonable excuse for one human to own an object that can do so much so quickly and efficiently. Most people have been able to convince themselves otherwise, but it just doesn’t seem logical to me.

I wonder if there were other times in history where really unnecessary inventions saturated daily life. So much of human history has been defined by people just trying to meet their basic needs of food, water, shelter, and accessible pornography. With that in mind, it just seems unlikely that something like the Egg Wave or the Snuggie could have been invented before the late 20^th century.

Then again, you can’t really put a cap on human curiosity and ingenuity. And by curiosity I mean interest in killing every potential moment of static existence or reflective thinking. And by ingenuity I mean ability to make everything much easier than it needs to be.   

Sincerely,

-Matthew Fugere

Sage Advice 94: Masculinity

Trying to capture what it means, socially rather than physically, to be a man seems challenging. Nothing in our culture, so far as I know, really indicates the passing of boyhood and beginning of manhood. There are hardly even any aspects of manliness to hold onto that really determines the separation between the two. What does a man wear? What does a man do? Is it okay for a man to listen to Tegan and Sara? How much murder and rape is too much murder and rape (historically speaking, there is no such thing as too much)?

Some societies have rituals and traditions that are carried out to determine becoming a man. For example, the Hoo-di-nikki sect of the Too-ba-loochi clan from the western region of the African continent requires boys of the tribe to watch either the first two or last three seasons of Cheers on DVD to cement their passing into manhood. The closest my life ever came to something like that was the feeling I got when I realized Space Jam wasn’t a documentary—which was last week.

Cultural images can sometimes represent the ideal of manliness. I remember seeing Clint Eastwood wearing a poncho and sombrero, his face stoic and weathered as his pistol rested in its holster, and thinking, Now that’s a man’s man. Plenty about that image shouts the ideals and expectations of manhood. After awhile, however, I realized that what I was really doing was shaping an idea for masculinity from an actor. An actor, for those unfamiliar, is basically someone who pretends to be something he or she isn’t. So any schema I constructed was being written around a guy who was doing something kids do for fun on the playground—wear ponchos and sombreros.

Maybe we’re not supposed to know what it means to be a man. Perhaps it’s more important to consider what it means to be human, making something like gender less precedent when it comes to constructing our identities. Or maybe we should go back to the quantity of murder and rape one is able to produce as a measurement of manliness. I’m sure that has worked before.

Sincerely,

-Matthew Fugere

Sage Advice 93: Imagination

The best part about having a mostly functional brain is how imaginative the mind can be. Really consider the images and ideas you can conjure instantly with just a little bit of thinking. Try this: a baby armadillo chewing on a six-year-old wash rag that your great uncle used to clean his car. Did that come up in your head? Probably. And it probably looks a little different from what mine looks like (mine is probably better since my baby armadillo also owns a corvette and has really nice back legs and my great uncle probably fought in a war or something).

I remembering reading about how some people think it’s impossible to really create a completely original image because everything we think of is based off the world we experience. So, for example, even if I come up with something that looks like a fire truck with a beard that pronounces the ‘h’ in every word with a ‘wh’ sound in it, it’s not really an original idea according to this theory. See how I had to describe it using words and images that we both already understand? It’s based off those things I had to say to describe my new thing that is now also a thing you could use to describe further things. Nothing is original.

That’s kind of depressing. To consider that everything we think is just based off something someone else thought and/or said really kicks imagination right in the face, telling imagination how worthless it is as it falls to ground and cries for its mom. 

I don’t allow that to stop me from letting my brain come up with stuff. Sure, it’s probably borrowing from shared experiences and ideas, but that doesn’t mean it’s not fun to think about a really sad building that wears overalls and calls its left leg “papa” because its actual dad told it to. How I see that image is mine, even if it is based off something that already exists.

Sincerely,

-Matthew Fugere

Sage Advice 92: Food Blog

Normally as I traverse through the internet, I only make a few stops for my entertainment digestion. A cat video here, a picture of a guy getting punched in the testicles there, and I’m usually all set; I am easily entertained by most of what the internet has to offer. However, I discovered that some people actually write these things called “blogs.” In fact, I found out that what I’m doing right now might even be a “blog.” It’s interesting to find out you are something that you didn’t know you were all along. It’s like the opposite of that time I found out I wasn’t a giraffe.

That’s neither here nor there, though. What matters is a special kind of blog I ran into. Evidently, some people like to take pictures of the food they eat and write about it. How fascinating a concept that is, to record and capture everything your body will eventually turn into waste.

I was too intrigued not to partake in some food-blogging. So, for the first time, here is a journal of everything I’ve put in my body today with commentary on each subject:

10:30 AM

This was breakfast. As you can see, I only got a few centimeters into the middle of the sole. It tasted kind of like dirt, pavement, rain, rubber, that time my parents left me at the park by accident and I stayed there for at least a day and a squirrel became my friend, and salt. I’m not sure I’m going to finish it, and if I do, I will certainly boil it next time.

10:45 AM

I had a few of these after breakfast. I downed them with some coffee and I’ve felt great ever since! It tasted a little bit like a Jaw-Breaker. Hey, remember that movie called that?

1:00 PM

Lunch! I found these bad boys just sitting on the ground. Can you believe someone just left this stuff on the ground? Perfectly good whatever they are just resting on the street. Uh, yeah, sign me up!

1:30 PM

This isn’t so much a picture of the food I ate as it is a picture of the dish I used to eat it. I think I’m going to leave this one to your imagination. See that ring of orange stuff around the bowl-like area? Yeah, it doesn’t have anything to do with that color.

And what would a meal be without a friend to enjoy it with you? This guy was with me during every single dining experience I had today. I’m not sure what he is, but he convinced me that whatever was in the bowl from the last picture was totally eatable.

Well, that’s all I’ve eaten today, and I don’t plan to eat anything else. If you liked my food-blog, just let me know and I’ll make it a regular feature on Sage Advice!

Sincerely,

-Matthew Fugere

Sage Advice 91.5: I’m Gooder At Television

Some more incredible ideas for television shows came to me in my dreams last night. I decided the world had to know about them. As such:

I’m Your New Parent (childrens/animated)

A cartoon mother and father look into the camera for a half-hour. The animated parents nod their heads and occasionally say, “I love you” among other heartfelt comments. The show is designed to allow parents to abandon their children in a room with a television for several hours a day while providing a simulation of the unconditional love a child needs to grow into well rounded adult.

Mumbles (comedy/British/sitcom)

A horrible British television show that tricks Americans into thinking it’s good/sophisticated because of the accents of the characters. Season finale is a really classy fart competition.

Survival Of The Fittest (reality/gameshow)

Ten incredibly overweight people and ten incredibly underweight people take-up proper diets and exercise regiments to acquire an ideal and healthy physical condition. As each contestant reaches the goal, he/she is allowed to pick one member of the other team to eat. The winning team is determined by the collective weight of the surviving contestants at the end of the season (the heavier of the two being the winner.)

No One Knows Why We Haven’t Been Asked To Leave Yet (comedy/sitcom)

A group of friends meet at the same bar at the same table with the same chairs every single night for several years. The group never buys drinks and often destroys property. The wait staff and management of the bar have no problems with the group’s behavior. Season finale is a gangbang.

No big-time network executives have contacted me yet, but I’m sure once they get wind of how unique and amazing my vision for television is, I’ll start to get some calls.

Sincerely,

-Matthew Fugere

P.S.

Did you know liking Sage Advice on Facebook is a thing that can happen? You should do that thing to make it happen! Thanks!

Sage Advice 91: I’m Good At Television

I don’t get a lot of time to watch television these days because of my computer/the internet (which Is basically a super television on steroids). As such, I don’t usually get to see the wonderful lineups major networks setup for a wonderfully broad audience. From what I’m told, terrible shows usually last quite some time while good shows are quickly smothered by low ratings and cancellation.

Often I wonder what kind of television shows I would put on the air if I had the power needed to do something like that. I’ve got some good ideas, so I’ve decided, for everyone’s benefit, to write down a few television programs I think should be created. I’ve provided the tentative titles, the genre, and a short description for each show.

Love Is Blind (comedy/sitcom)

A blind couple live in the second floor of a bakery. Every episode, each mistakes the other for some kind of pastry and then makes love to it. Each show ends with the couple saying, at the same time, “I thought that mushy stuff was you!”

Ain’t She Cute? (comedy/sitcom)

A quirky and perpetually single girl moves into an apartment with a group of guys who are geeky/weird/handsome/smart/a black guy. Each episode features the quirky girl flirting with each guy by acting totally wacky and off-the-wall. Season finale is a gangbang.

The Right Side Of The Law (drama)

A cop who doesn’t play by the rules decides to change the rules by becoming a state senator and passing legislation that is better tailored to his method of police enforcement. Each episode illustrates the process of law-making in excruciating detail. 

We Don’t Mind That We Are Terrible (reality)

Wealthy people who are famous because they are wealthy continue existing. Their train wreck of an existence is filmed and edited for the masses to consume. Season finale is a gangbang.

To Boldly Act Where No Man Has Acted Before (reality/sci-fi)

A team of NASA astronauts act out the entire first season of the original Star Trek series on the International Space Station. Season finale is a gangbang (that happened in Star Trek, right?)

I’m not sure who I have to pitch these ideas to, but I don’t understand how these shows couldn’t work on just about any major television network. If someone can get me connected with some kind of big-time executive, I would really appreciate it.

Sincerely,

-Matthew Fugere

P.S.

The sequel

Sage Advice 90: Own All The Things

Probably the most interesting tendency of human civilization is the acquisition of land. It’s an important part of being a person in so many cultures; owning a chunk of the earth usually means a great deal to people. I guess it makes sense when you consider how easy it is to say you own something that isn’t sentient. People just look at the ground and say, “Yup. This is mine. I’m gonna call this Finland and it’s gonna kick ass.”

They don’t actually own it, of course. It’s just land, and it’s been there long before whoever claims to own it has been. It will continue being there long after anyone who claims to own it will be. Their ownership over it is temporary, but people tend take that fleeting possession to a degree of seriousness that is usually reserved for drunken football crowds and Twilight fans.

People have killed over land. People have conquered other people over land. People have constructed very tightly worded contracts over land. I’m pretty sure the word ‘pillaging’ exists solely to describe the kind of violence that can go on over land-disputes. All that rape and murder over being able to say a chunk of rock is yours.

That kind of human behavior is why I really hope I get to see mankind colonize another floating rock out there in space. I realize it’s not going to happen in my lifetime, but it must be fascinating to witness the initial acquisition of a new flat surface. Unfortunately, there won’t be anyone to rape and pillage the hell out of, but you know people are still going to fight over it. Mars Wars? Yeah, I’ll buy front row seats for that.

The universe is infinitely massive, and it would be incredible to see how audacious people will be in their ability to claim ownership over it. I’m already naming chunks of infinite vastness in the sky after dead presidents and my middle name. After all, when we rape and pillage everything to the point of nothingness on this planet, we need to direct our aggressive acquisition towards something. Why not make that something infinite space?

Sincerely,

-Matthew Fugere

Sage Advice 89: Lions And Tigers And Bears And That’s It

If you’ve ever seen statistics on how many animal species currently exist, then you’re aware that earth has a lot of variety to offer. It’s amazing to consider just how much life there is around us, but do we really need to divide everything into so many sections and parts? There are probably thousands if not millions of different species of insects (I base that figure off nothing other than the fact that there are a lot of bugs everywhere), but I really break them all down into two sections: flying and non-flying.

Scientists need to get it together when it comes to nomenclature; telling every animal it is part of its own species is going to be the downfall of man. Think about it. How better to feed the ego of the wild than to tell every part of the wild that it’s special? Nurturing the sensibilities of nature is the exact opposite of the point of human existence (we’re here to set everything on fire and destroy stuff).

That’s why we have to start lumping animals into bigger groups. Giving each animal its own name will eventually come back to kick us in the arse—continue feeding their ego and eventually they’ll all grow cocky enough to realize that they run faster, jump higher, and kill us quicker than we can kill them. I’m going to get us started. Below is a list of lists of animals. Each sub-list gets its own new species name. Every animal included in the sub-list will from now on be called that particular new species name. The list goes as follows:

That’s really just the beginning. Let’s face it: there are way too many animals in the world. Giving each animal its own special name just because it looks a little different from a bunch of animals that its really similar to doesn’t make sense. It’s too confusing and gives the animals too much leeway regarding their ability to think themselves better than people. We can’t let that happen.

Sincerely,

-Matthew Fugere