Sage Advice

Matthew Fugere: Ex-Garbage Baby

It’s a big deal for people to have an understanding of their roots, from where they began. Sometimes it’s about where your ancestors settled, eventually leading all the way up to you. Other times it’s just about how your family started, perhaps how your parents met: the moments that directly led to your birth. For me, though, it’s always been about being thrown into the garbage.

That’s the earliest story about me anyone has to tell. You’ll rarely hear about my birth or the early days and weeks that followed it. If you ask just about anyone in my family, myself included, about the earliest version of me to make a mark on this world, you’re going to hear about the time my older brother threw an infant version of me into a garbage can.

The interesting thing is it’s not a shameful event of our family’s past; there’s nothing about this story that haunts my loved ones, forcing them to rethink their own humanity or place in the world. It’s a consistently told, incredibly open, almost proud tale of our early years as a family.

“Oh you never heard about that?” my mother or brother or sister might say after someone jokingly talks about dumpster babies and their connection to me. “When he was just a little baby—oh, maybe a week old or so—his older brother didn’t want ‘em around. So he picked his baby brother up, carried him to the garbage, and just tossed ‘em in.” It’s a short story, needing no more than a paragraph to get the details you need, yet it seemed like a defining moment in my early identity.

So here I am, an ex-garbage baby. Usually that’s a really sad thing. Garbage babies that is. You’ll hear a tragic story on the news about how a random woman—usually a very young girl in her teenage years—left an infant in a dumpster, unable to provide for her new child. Generally, we’re left knowing that the infant didn’t make it through the ordeal. Can you really expect such a helpless creature to endure a night alone, motherless and inside their soon-to-be metallic coffin filled with expired food and used healthcare products?

I survived my garbage days. One of the lucky ones, I suppose. Does that make me better than your average dumpster baby? I may be bold enough to bring up the question, but I don’t think I can rightly answer it. I will, however, respond by saying this: how many ex-garbage babies do you know? 

-Matthew Fugere

Oh hey there, you know you can “like” Sage Advice on Facebook as well? Well, you can “like” just about anything on Facebook, really. You can even “like” “likes.” I’m not kidding. That’s a real thing. Thousands of people “like” “likes.” I’m not sure what that says about us as a species, but it can’t be good. Anyway, if you don’t want to “like” “likes,” you can spend your “liking” space/time on things that I write. Thanks!

It’s Raining Outside, So Here Are Some Jokes

I was sick today. It’s also been raining. So I wrote some jokes for you guys. I hope you enjoy them. If you don’t, that’s okay. But you should. 

—

The inventor of the television remote control has died at the age of 96. He was found stuck between two couch cushions.

—

DC comics has announced that one of its most established characters will soon be revealed to be gay. DC does not want to perpetuate any gay stereotype by picking a character that dresses in tight flashy clothing, so the only option the company has is the Penguin.

—

Recent research has indicated that many members of congress write and speak at a high school sophomore level. This statistic explains the recent surge of sexts found amongst congress.

—

A vial said to contain a sample of Ronald Reagan’s blood is up for auction. The current highest bidder is the Republican Party who plans to use the vial as a more human and electable candidate than Romney for the 2012 presidential race.

—

Many right wing bloggers and columnists have recently connected President Obama’s support for gay marriage to recent U.S. Department of Justice guidelines issued to reduce rape in prison. In other news, all gay marriage is prison rape according to Republicans, so stopping gay marriage is stopping prison rape.

—

A recent study indicates that Facebook can negatively affect a marriage with more than a third of divorce filings in the UK citing the popular social networking site. In response, Facebook is now developing a “Don’t bother coming home, you son of a bitch” button to replace the “like” button.

—

The land used to film the hit film The Hunger Games is being sold after the 83-year-old owner has become stressed by the number of fans of the series that have visited the attraction. The move to sell the property comes after his first plan to deal with the rabid fans, forcing them to kill one another for sport, fell through for legal reasons.

—

Many libraries around the country have been hesitant to keep the hit book “Fifty Shades of Grey” on their shelves because of its erotic story. However, nearly all librarians agree it’s great to see people masturbating to books again.

—

-Matthew Fugere

How To Get The Most Out Of A Baby

“If you’ve got a perfectly good baby just sitting around, you damn well better use it to make stuff”

-Hemingway

I’m a practical man. When I see a problem, I try to solve it. When I need to solve it, I use any tool at my disposal. That’s where babies come in. Sure, babies are good for normal baby stuff (feeding, devouring your energy, being a warm thing to put other things next to), but can’t babies be used for essential daily activities? Why limit our babies to what nature intended them to do? Here’s a quick guide to getting the most out of your babies:

Doorstop: Some babies are heavier than others. Some babies are smaller than others. All babies meet the required shape, weight, and density to hold a door open. I realize the same thing could be said of just about anything that has mass, but having a baby hold your door open is so much more efficient. First off, you’re teaching your baby important lessons in independence, basic laws of physics, and joining the workforce. Secondly, think about how people will react to seeing a perfectly good baby holding a door open. “Say,” strangers might say, “is that a baby being used as a doorstop? I feel like I should contact the authorities, but I am too baffled by the efficient use of this normally useless creature.”

Refrigerator Maintenance: Babies are naturally very warm. I think. Someone look that up. Anyway, by putting your baby in the freezer, you’ll be able to determine whether or not your cold foodstuffs are getting the much needed freezing temperature they deserve. Simply place the child into the freezer and see what color it turns into. If your baby turns a blue color, your freezer might be too cold. If you baby seems content with being in a freezer, your freezer might be too warm. Ideally, the baby should be just comfortable enough in the freezer for roughly 30 seconds to determine your freezer is at a normal temperature.

Coffee Tester: Look guys, I drink a lot of coffee. Coffee is hot. Sometimes it gets cold. I don’t want to drink coffee that is either too hot or too cold. Your baby can act as a perfectly good gauge for coffee temperature. Simply place the container in which your coffee resides on/in/through/by your baby. Apply similar practices found in the previous freezer scenario to determine whether or not your coffee is ready for consumption.

Window Washer: This one is so obvious I can’t believe I hadn’t thought of it sooner. Just give your baby some Windex and paper towels and let ‘em go. Babies absolutely love cleaning.

Movie Reviews: There are a lot of movies out there, guys. Some are good. Some are downright terrible. You don’t want to end up wasting nearly two hours of your life watching a movie that isn’t good. Here’s where your baby can be a huge help. Simply place a DVD/Blu-ray near your baby and watch their response. Did your baby fling it about, perhaps hurling the disc onto the floor? Then it’s probably good and worth your viewing. Did the baby largely ignore the film? Then it’s probably not worth your time.

You might notice that this baby doesn’t seem interested in Shaun of the Dead. I’ve seen Shaun of the Dead and can assure you it is an excellent film. This baby might be defective. If so, he will need to be replaced with a new baby of higher quality.

Pillow: It’s commonly known that babies are incredibly soft and cuddly. Often they will use you as a pillow, but that’s like holding a drooling pillow against your chest; it might feel fine, but that’s not how a pillow should be used. The best way to get the most out of your pillow is to lay your weary head onto it. This is why babies make excellent pillows; they don’t even mind if you sleep on them.

Toe Examiner: Babies like toes. It’s a scientific fact. Look at how much that baby in the picture likes toes. Why not have babies examine your toes? This seems like a win-win to me.

Remember, babies exist to make your life easier and better unless you let them ruin you financially, physically, and mentally. Just follow my better-uses for babies guide and your quality of life is guaranteed to improve. Also, if you have your own ways of making babies more useful, send me some examples. Let’s spread the knowledge.

-Matthew Fugere

Thanks to my brother, Michael Fugere, for letting me exploit his child for my personal gain. And by that I mean I was babysitting that day and didn’t tell him what I was going to be doing to his child. Sucker.

Oh No! Someone Called Me Hitler: How To Turn Genocidal Lemons Into Positive Characteristic Having Lemonade

Let’s face it. We’ve all been there. You’re talking to someone, and there is a clear difference in perspective or beliefs between the two of you. Things get verbally heated, and before you know it, someone has called you Hitler just out of sheer hyperbolic thinking or a complete lack of creative insults in his/her vocabulary.

It’s not easy being compared to one of the most despicable individuals in human history. It’s also completely illogical. There’s a pretty simple process of elimination involved when you considering whether or not you should compare someone to Hitler. It goes like this:

Is the person you’re talking to Hitler?

• If no: Don’t call him/her Hitler
• If yes: Call him/her Hitler

It’s pretty simple, yet people consistently utilize the comparison to make an adversary look downright terrible. However, no matter how hard we try, we can’t stop people from comparing every person they don’t like to Hitler; irrational conclusions are a consistent aspect of daily conversation. It’s easy to brush such a blown-out-of-proportion comment to the side, but is there a way to look at the Hitler glass as half full?

Let’s think about Hitler for a minute. Really think about who he was and what he did. He was a pretty bad dude, right? Really scary. Anyone who can take over an entire nation and proceed to commit genocide has to be awful. That’s just a rule. But let’s consider what Hitler was good at for a moment. I know, that isn’t easy to do. It’s really hard to look past the whole attempting-to-conquer-western-civilization-thereby-decimating-Europe-and-creating-political-tension-that-still-exists-today thing, but let’s give it a go.

Sure. Genocide is bad. And just about any quality of a human being who is willing to commit such an act has to bad. However, there had to of been some good things about a man with the kind of drive to approach something so massive in scope. Ambition. Hitler had to have been ambitious. Let’s face it, you don’t procrastinate when you’re To-Do List includes invading Poland and bombing England.

You can hear recordings of Hitler’s voice. He was loud and bold sounding. Very intimidating. You don’t need to be able to understand German to know Hitler’s speaking voice was downright visceral. People really followed his words, too. They absorbed his ideas and did terrible things in his name. It takes a high level of charisma to be able to pull that off. Hitler, despite being super evil and terrible, was a charismatic guy.

He had to have been organized, too: A thorough thinker, meticulous in process and understanding—particularly in regard to military strategies since not just anyone could obliterate half of Europe. Hitler was able to create and implement a plan efficiently and thoroughly.

This needs repeating: Hitler was a complete asshole. He was really, sincerely evil. I don’t want to sound like finding compliments for Hitler is attempting to draw him in a kind light.

Think about it like this: Hitler’s good traits belong in something like the “extra comments” section of a report card. Remember back in high school or middle school when you would get your report card and there would be that section at that end for any additional comments that couldn’t be implied by your shitty grades? Usually comments were positive when they followed really awful grades. The philosophy is there’s gotta be something good to say about someone who sucks at everything that normally gets a grade. So sure, Timmy might have gotten an F in Math class, but the teacher decided to write in the extra comment section, “Is punctual” or “Always brings his pencil to class” so his parents don’t end up abandoning him in an alley or feeding him to an alligator for being a complete failure.

See, what I’m saying is that Hitler brought his pencil to every goddamn class. Sure, he failed the shit out of Empathy class and Don’t-Genociding class, but there wasn’t a single semester that went by for which Hitler didn’t have perfect attendance.

So the next time someone calls you Hitler, turn that harsh and unrealistic comparison on its head and say, “Sure, I’m like Hitler. After all, I’m very organized and quite charismatic.”    

-Matthew Fugere

Sage Advice 77: The American Right

I take the parts of the constitution I have bothered to have someone kinda explain to me very seriously (I’ve never taken the time to actually read it because I’m pretty sure it’s in cursive, and I don’t do cursive). I may not be able to tell you everything about the document, but I do know somewhere on there talks about the American citizen’s right to own a gun. Or bear an arm. Or arm a bear. I’m not sure, but I know it involves guns.

Plenty of people think this is a part of our national charter that should be stricken away. I’m sure those same people would say that it was written during a very hostile and violent time of American history, a time when owning a gun made sense because of the chaotic nature of society during the era. Those same people are also giant pussies.

We should all own guns. You never know when it will come in handy. Let’s face it: nothing bad has ever happened while someone was carrying a gun. I don’t have any statistics or examples to back that up, but I know for a fact that it’s a fact that I wrote, so it’s a fact. Guns make people feel safe. Sure, it’s a chunk of metal that can end the life of another human being with a gesture so easy that an infant could mimic it, but how are we supposed to intimidate our neighbors and friends if we don’t own guns?

I take our right to own firearms so seriously, in fact, that I really think we should be issued them at birth. If you can’t prove you love this country by leaving a gun in your child’s crib then you really need to reconsider your stay here in the U.S. of A. For every digit in the social security number you’re issued when you enter the world, you should get an entire clip of ammunition.

I feel like I might be getting off track, so let me sum up the entire purpose of this Sage Advice in a sentence: babies need guns. The most impressionable moments of our youth’s years are not being guarded. What better a way to protect this fragile state of being than to give every toddler a firearm? If that’s not a campaign slogan and/or promise from the next presidential candidate, then we know our country is truly going through dark times.

Sincerely,

-Matthew Fugere

Sage Advice 66: Some People Are Lazy

Having an active functional democracy is dependent on the voices of the people who make up that institution. Every opinion must be heard out and considered. Every idea must be explored rather than diminished. Every person must have a voice.

That’s where I’m concerned for the democratic process; is every voice truly being heard? If even one person is left out from the national discourse, can we truly say we’re encouraging a legitimate democracy? I guess what I’m trying to say is, why can’t babies vote?

Think about, though they can’t think or walk or talk or control their bowel movements or consider complex ideas or demonstrate comprehension of the abstract or read or write or perform basic motor skills or cloth themselves or bath themselves or perform even the most menial of tasks without assistance or ride a bike or cook or eat regular food or not vomit on themselves consistently or win in a fight against any weight class of boxer or master the basic concepts of arithmetic or find Waldo or act without looking at the camera or understand that one day they will die or spell Hawaii correctly or take up blacksmithing, I really think it’s time for us to consider the opinions of our least vocalized members of society.  

Imagine the kind of change babies could foster for the benefit of our government. Sure, they think everything is a blob-shaped object with absolutely no reference level to anyone else’s perceived reality, but that doesn’t mean they don’t have some ideas for getting the economy back on track or how to handle international relations.

I have to be honest here. I have a secret agenda; I just want babies to work. I don’t think it’s fair that they get to sit around all day and do nothing but consume resources. As much as I love doing the same activity, I still at least try to not stay in one spot for more than ten hours a day. I think voting could be a good entry level of participation for babies. It’s optional, and they would (if they had the cognitive ability) feel like they were contributing to society. Eventually, we could probably get these lazy babies slinging pickaxes in mineshafts and bagging groceries in retail stores. Some day they’ll pull their weight, even if it is just a few pounds.

Sincerely,

-Matthew Fugere

P.S. Remember to check out the latest Sound Advice on iTunes or on this website.