sirbombalot asked: Would you rather have someone pour mildly hot tea on your crotch every morning at 7:00 AM to wake you up, or be attacked by fifteen squirrels once every day before you went to bed?
First off, thanks for the question Tim. You’re a scholar and a gentleman, and your consistent contribution to my internet dealings and meditations is a delight.
Both of these options are tests of my physical prowess—an aspect of my being that is rarely tested as I’m more of a stay-inside-and-avoid-anything-involving-physical-activity kind of guy. Here, we’re putting my endurance on trial.
The first choice, being woken up by mildly hot tea at 7:00 AM (something that would actually be difficult for someone to do as I wake up at 5:00 AM every day, but I’ll play along and pretend I get up at 7:00 AM for the sake of our game), would be irritating to no end. I’m sure it would be something I would never get used to either. Do you know what hazy, dream-like feeling you get when you wake up about half an hour before you need to, and then you half-sleep until your alarm goes off? That feeling is absolutely amazing. The idea of it being ruined by lukewarm tea infuriates me to no end. The big question here is this: who is dumping this tea? Is it a family member? Is it you? Is it the British? The answer to this question could easily change my choice, but we can’t linger on the unknown, can we?
Our second choice, being attacked by fifteen squirrels right before my slumber, is another test of my physical endurance. After all, there isn’t much I can do about fighting a swarm of squirrels off me. I could certainly try to punch them, but I would only anger them further, making the entire ordeal much more painful. As such, it would be wise to simply take the punishment from the almighty squirrel Gods (which are the only real Gods, by the way) and endure. I actually like the idea of this event happening right before bed. It could use up the small amount of energy I have left at the end of the day, putting me to rest easier.
I have to pick the squirrel option. I adore my hazy morning moments far more than my restless getting-to-bed moments. This choice comes down to the time of day. I’d rather be bothered at night than the morning.