How To Get The Most Out Of A Baby
“If you’ve got a perfectly good baby just sitting around, you damn well better use it to make stuff”
-Hemingway
I’m a practical man. When I see a problem, I try to solve it. When I need to solve it, I use any tool at my disposal. That’s where babies come in. Sure, babies are good for normal baby stuff (feeding, devouring your energy, being a warm thing to put other things next to), but can’t babies be used for essential daily activities? Why limit our babies to what nature intended them to do? Here’s a quick guide to getting the most out of your babies:
Doorstop: Some babies are heavier than others. Some babies are smaller than others. All babies meet the required shape, weight, and density to hold a door open. I realize the same thing could be said of just about anything that has mass, but having a baby hold your door open is so much more efficient. First off, you’re teaching your baby important lessons in independence, basic laws of physics, and joining the workforce. Secondly, think about how people will react to seeing a perfectly good baby holding a door open. “Say,” strangers might say, “is that a baby being used as a doorstop? I feel like I should contact the authorities, but I am too baffled by the efficient use of this normally useless creature.”
Refrigerator Maintenance: Babies are naturally very warm. I think. Someone look that up. Anyway, by putting your baby in the freezer, you’ll be able to determine whether or not your cold foodstuffs are getting the much needed freezing temperature they deserve. Simply place the child into the freezer and see what color it turns into. If your baby turns a blue color, your freezer might be too cold. If you baby seems content with being in a freezer, your freezer might be too warm. Ideally, the baby should be just comfortable enough in the freezer for roughly 30 seconds to determine your freezer is at a normal temperature.
Coffee Tester: Look guys, I drink a lot of coffee. Coffee is hot. Sometimes it gets cold. I don’t want to drink coffee that is either too hot or too cold. Your baby can act as a perfectly good gauge for coffee temperature. Simply place the container in which your coffee resides on/in/through/by your baby. Apply similar practices found in the previous freezer scenario to determine whether or not your coffee is ready for consumption.
Window Washer: This one is so obvious I can’t believe I hadn’t thought of it sooner. Just give your baby some Windex and paper towels and let ‘em go. Babies absolutely love cleaning.
Movie Reviews: There are a lot of movies out there, guys. Some are good. Some are downright terrible. You don’t want to end up wasting nearly two hours of your life watching a movie that isn’t good. Here’s where your baby can be a huge help. Simply place a DVD/Blu-ray near your baby and watch their response. Did your baby fling it about, perhaps hurling the disc onto the floor? Then it’s probably good and worth your viewing. Did the baby largely ignore the film? Then it’s probably not worth your time.
You might notice that this baby doesn’t seem interested in Shaun of the Dead. I’ve seen Shaun of the Dead and can assure you it is an excellent film. This baby might be defective. If so, he will need to be replaced with a new baby of higher quality.
Pillow: It’s commonly known that babies are incredibly soft and cuddly. Often they will use you as a pillow, but that’s like holding a drooling pillow against your chest; it might feel fine, but that’s not how a pillow should be used. The best way to get the most out of your pillow is to lay your weary head onto it. This is why babies make excellent pillows; they don’t even mind if you sleep on them.
Toe Examiner: Babies like toes. It’s a scientific fact. Look at how much that baby in the picture likes toes. Why not have babies examine your toes? This seems like a win-win to me.
Remember, babies exist to make your life easier and better unless you let them ruin you financially, physically, and mentally. Just follow my better-uses for babies guide and your quality of life is guaranteed to improve. Also, if you have your own ways of making babies more useful, send me some examples. Let’s spread the knowledge.
Thanks to my brother, Michael Fugere, for letting me exploit his child for my personal gain. And by that I mean I was babysitting that day and didn’t tell him what I was going to be doing to his child. Sucker.
