Here's Me Trying To Shame You For Not Playing... →
Do enjoy. It also reveals some daddy issues because that’s funny.
Say, Here Is A Thing I Wrote That Has A Talking... →
Honestly, more stories need talking cats. So I wrote one (spoiler alert: the cat gets attacked by a hawk.) There’s a picture too! Look!
Look At This Thing I Wrote About Video Games! →
Say, person reading this, do you like video games? Sure ya do! Check out this article I wrote for Insert Quarterly. It’s all about the woes of being Player 2.
I Wrote A Prequel To Jaws From The Perspective Of... →
That link is gonna take you to a short story I wrote that is technically a prequel to the 1975 film “Jaws.” I almost wrote “Jaw” there. How funny would a movie called “Jaw” be if it was about a shark with only one jaw? -Matthew Fugere
Hey here is a short story I wrote that you can... →
I wrote this story and put it on my Wordpress. Please read it because you like me or something? There more stories on that site as well, if you’re into that kind of thing. Thanks! -Matthew Fugere
Another Place Where I Leave Things On The Internet
I made a Wordpress where I’ll be keeping all my short stories that I like to tinker with. Each one has a bad illustration, too! That’s like two pieces of mediocre self-expression for the price of however long it took me to make them! PLEASE GO READ THEM BY CLICKING THIS
It’s The Most Suicidal Time Of The Year (Now With...
Originally posted last year, now with more things. It’s almost like an expansion pack: Few words blissfully meld in a harmonious dance of synonymy like holidays and suicide. As the temperature falls and the traffic gets dumber, people ‘round the world prepare to gather and celebrate whatever traditions and customs their dead relatives dictate. It’s also when a bunch of people decide to off...
More Things I Wrote On Other Things Or...
Hey, look! I wrote some stuff at other places: Like this Best-Of-The-Year list And this review of Maria Bamford’s latest comedy special Video games and comedy, what’s not to adore? -Matthew Fugere
A Reptilian Disposition (A Short Story)
When President Leon Johansson the Komodo Dragon was running for his party’s nomination, every facet of his personality and history was used against him. Not a debate went by without a contender of the race using “facts” like “you’re a lizard” or “I’m not sure you can even speak English” against the future president. Whenever these accusations were tossed about, President the Komodo Dragon’s...
sirbombalot asked: Would you rather have someone pour mildly hot tea on your crotch every morning at 7:00 AM to wake you up, or be attacked by fifteen squirrels once every day before you went to bed?
Making A Better Tomorrow By Lying About Yesterday
“Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it” -Some guy who couldn’t figure his shit out… …but he makes a point. Most of the violent conflicts that ruin our reputation as a peaceful species can be repeatedly seen throughout history. No matter what is being fought over, something similar has been fought over in the past. It’s like how new books and movies...
Did You Know Paul F. Tompkins' "Laboring Under... →
As I explain in my review for The Comic’s Comic (which you can check out by clicking the link in the title of this post), Paul F. Tompkins’ latest release is one of the best comedy albums to come out this year. You should read my review and then buy the album it discusses. Unless you’re some kind of jerk who doesn’t like laughter or reading. -Matthew Fugere
More Comedy Reviews I Wrote Awhile Ago And You...
Anyway, here are my thoughts on Moshe Kasher’s latest special. Also, Lewis Black’s. You also just be reading The Comic’s Comic in general if you like comedy or reading. And you should like both of those things. Have a good day/evening/existence! -Matthew Fugere P.S. Did you read my pussy thing? Don’t worry, it’s not nearly as vulgar as you might think.
A Pussy Bias: Sexism In Our Use Of Vulgar Language
I say dick at least a hundred times a day. Of those hundred times, only about 30% are in reference to my body. The rest of those dick utterances are in reference to vague nouns and other peoples’ bodies. I say dick liberally and without much thought or effort. I say pussy maybe a hundred times a month. It’s much rarer in my daily vocabulary. I’m generally cautious to even say it. If I’m about to...
My Thoughts On Tig Notaro's "Live" And Jim... →
Howdy there again. I know just yesterday I asked you to read my review of Dimitri Martin’s Standup Comedian. I’m sure you enjoyed it. Or you didn’t. Either way, you can now find my review for TIg Notaro’s latest album, Live, by clicking the link in the title of this post. You can also see what I had to write about Jim Gaffigan’s album, Mr. Universe. Also, I wrote...
Please Go Read This Thing Here If You Like Comedy,... →
I’m sorry I had to trick you with the baby seal thing, but the rest of that stuff is true. Go check out my review of Demetri Martin’s latest album, “Standup Comedian”, over at The Comic’s Comic. I sure would appreciate it. And let’s be honest: you probably spent at least half an hour today looking at pictures of cute lizards enjoying life. No wait, that was me....
I Divided By Zero (A Short Story)
I once divided by zero. Someone gave me something and told me to give it to all the other someones, but instead I didn’t give it to any someones, not even my own someone. So the something that someone gave me just sat there and kept existing in a whole and regular and finite state of space like it always had been and probably always will be. Then every someone got mad at me for not giving any...
Please Don't Call Me: Understanding Carly Rae...
Terrible pop music seems to attract two audiences. One is the sincere—people who legitimately take pleasure from sounds constructed to appease a specific demographic by utilizing popular trends in culture (generally youth culture). The other audience is aggressively against pop music—people who dismiss an expression immediately because of its source, fame, or the ridiculous number of times it must...
Throw the Gavel at Him (A Short Story)
Henry Peterson’s great great so on and so forth grandfather was an eccentric billionaire during the early 21st century. He made all of his money by owning and maintaining the best computer software/hardware, automobile, natural resource (oil and coal mostly), electric kitchen appliance, and soft-drink companies known to man. Ninety percent of his time was spent upholding the integrity of his...
A Review: Rob Delaney's "Live At The Bowery...
In case you’ve never heard of Rob Delaney: blah blah blah Twitter blah blah blah Mitt Romney blah blah blurggggg blah blah that thing Louis CK and Aziz Ansari and Jim Gaffigan all did because it’s a great way to engage an audience without defecating into their wallets blah blah metaphorically speaking blah blurg blooosh or literally speaking if that’s your thing blah blah blirchinburg I’m not...
Another Episode Of A Podcast Which Is Like...
Click this link to listen to the latest episode of Sound Advice— Sound Advice 49: Man On The Street In A Car Interviews. Or don’t have that be a thing you do. Remember to check us out on iTunes, too! Why not? I mean, what do you have to do that should take precedent over that? Feed your baby? Let your dog out? Not set fire to the neighbor kids’ lemonade stand? All of those...
Suggestions For New Flavors Of DORITOS®
The following is a list of suggestions for new flavors of DORITOS®: Leftover Chinese food Dog fur Bread Old newspaper Canadian Canadian bacon A mixture of all the current flavors Sweat Contact lenses Vague meat Nacho con diarrhea Diarrhea con nacho Diarrhea E. coli Wet pavement smell Mulched grass Depleted fire hydrant Actual jalapenos Cartoon carrots like the ones Bugs Bunny...
A Review: James Adomian's "Low Hangin Fruit"
If you’re a podcast enthusiast then you’ve surely heard James Adomian at some point. Making appearances on some of the best podcasts available (Comedy Bang! Bang!, Doug Loves Movies, Sklarbro Country, and, as of next week, WTF), James Adomian’s impressions and characters make for some of the most entertaining podcasting moments possible—if you don’t laugh at his Huell Howser, there’s a good...
sirbombalot asked: Would you rather get $2000 right now, but every time you cought, you cough bees, effective for the rest of your life, or be able to breathe underwater, but gain 100 pounds?
Piglets Sans Anuses
My mom always used to tell this story about her grandparents and the Kentucky farm they lived on. They had a big ol’ mother pig that gave birth to healthy, normal piglets on a regular basis. One time, due to some tragic genetic abnormality, one of the mother pig’s litters birthed five piglets without anuses. That’s a weird enough story by itself. Pigs with no buttholes? That’s a punch-line right...
A New Episode Of A Podcast: Sound Advice 48
Sound Advice 48: Sponsorship! On this episode of Sound Advice, my brother, Michael, and I celebrate our new sponsors. This episode was recorded in front of a live studio audience (you). Click on the link above to listen to this episode of Sound Advice. If you wanna listen to more Sound Advice, check out our archive. Also, remember to subscribe to us on iTunes and leave comments telling us how...
Harry Cram, The Film Critic Who Thinks Movies Are...
As if The Avengers, a movie that proved gods and radioactive monsters are working together and filming their adventures to show off to the general public, wasn’t enough to scare me into realizing super-humans completely neglect property damage costs and insurance premiums, The Dark Knight Rises comes around only to further destroy my sense of security. The movie starts out explaining what’s going...
Repost If You Believe In Magic
Thanks for believing, -Matthew Fugere
A New Episode Of A Podcast: Sound Advice 47
Sound Advice 47: Speaking Chair, Choosing Sophie On this episode of Sound Advice, the show welcomes Alex Trebek’s chair. Also, your hosts, Matthew Fugere and Michael Fugere, roundup their movie picks for the week. Click the link above to hear the latest episode of Sound Advice. Remember to check us out on iTunes as well. And as always, you can view the archive, a place where you can find...
Sound Advice 46: Pro-Thermos And A Racist Train ...
Cake And Cigarettes: Advertising That Makes Me...
Sometimes, in the world of advertising, companies will try to sell their product in subtle ways. Rather than overtly explaining the product being sold and what it does, a company might try to get a certain jingle, idea, image, or thought stuck in your head that you will associate with that product. There are tons of sayings and phrases that have become part of our cultural knowledge because of a...
My Star Trek: The Next Generation Fan Fiction*
*(I must begin this piece by admitting to everything I remember about Star Trek: The Next Generation: back when I was about eight-years-old, my dad would watch it after I was done watching X-Men the cartoon; the guy from Reading Rainbow was in it and looked like he had lasers in his eyes or something; a very pale guy was actually a robot (I’m assuming he bled milk much like the robot-people in the...
Things About Video Games: A Thing I Didn't Write...
I don’t usually post stuff on multiple sites, but I sorta liked this thing I did. Awhile back, the game Mass Effect 3 came out and, though met with very high praise from most critics, created a storm of hatred from a lot of fans because of its ending. If you’re completely unfamiliar with the game, this probably won’t interest you. However, if you were like me and read a lot of...
Anything You Can Do I Probably Can't Do At All
Jealousy is something most people can overtly overcome as they get older. The operative word being “overtly” because feelings of inadequacy and self-loathing never really completely diminish, instead slowly moving to the recesses of your mind, collecting enough sorrow, stress, and depression to one day give your brain a nice aneurism or tumor. However, most mature people are able to repress...
xoxosaadia asked: 1, 12, 37, 42, and 50.
sirbombalot asked: 34, 29, 14-16, and 1, most importantly.
Leave A Number All Up In My Box!
Leave the number to the question you want me to answer in my box and I might answer it ;) Don’t lie: how far could you throw a puppy? What’s up with France? Hey, can you read? Is left a matter of perspective or is it a static idea? If you took your age and subtracted ten, added four, multiplied by zero, and got a D in Algebra II back in tenth grade, do you think your father will...
A Bunch Of Frogs Hanging Out Is An Army
The other day I learned that a group of frogs is called an army. Isn’t that neat? Like a bunch of frogs just hanging out isn’t just a bunch of frogs hanging out. It’s an army of frogs, rolling tanks and all (I assume). It does give off a pretty awesome image. Think about Saving Private Ryan completely remade with frogs. Oh wait, that would be mostly sad because a lot of frogs would explode. Don’t...
Sound Advice 45: The Bizz On this episode of...
The Lack Of A Deafening Perspective
Today, a big political event involving the Supreme Court made its way into the conversational exchange of just about every person who owns a television or internet connection in the United States. I’m always fascinated by how strongly people can feel about national issues. They invest so much energy and care into their opinions that any perspective that comes close to opposing their conscience...
Oh My, It Has Been A Year!
As of today, I’ve been doing this Sage Advice spiel for a whole year. This is only my 202nd post, though. I’m willing to bet that is an underwhelming number compared to most numbers that exist (we’ve covered this topic, guys). I’ve written on a wide variety of topics: language, jokes, suicide, warmth, and cancer just to name a few. I’ve also produced an audio play,...
Be Nice To Dumb People
You should be nice to dumb people. Any kind of dumb, too: dumb, stupid, idiot, moron, mongoloid, Zooey Deschanel, etc. I’m one of them. I’m a pretty dumb guy. I had to look up how to spell Zooey Descanel even though I’ve seen it written down many times. If you ask me to multiply any two numbers but one of them is over like 9, it’s gonna take me a few minutes. For the longest time, I thought the...
10 to Infinity
How many numbers are there? I’m not trying to trick you with this question, but I’ve gotten two different answers to what should be a straightforward query. Some people will say there are 10 numbers. They go as follows: 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 Other people will say that there is an infinite amount of numbers, both backward and forward, negative and positive. They go as follows: -∞ ∞ I guess there are...
Self-Diagnosis: The Only Sensible Method Of...
The other day I had an odd moment of sudden health trouble that I decided to blindly avoid by refusing to even acknowledge it as health trouble. I was resting in a recliner, letting the day pass me by while my brain wrestled with idle thoughts, when suddenly a gulp of the perfectly fresh air I breathed into my perfectly healthy lungs seemed to poison me. As though oxygen was throwing a haymaker at...
Sound Advice 44: Not Jet In which brothers...
sirbombalot asked: Would you rather have a magical wallet that you could pull $3.50 from a day, once a day, but would kill one raccoon every time you did, or have a swimming pool filled with Jell-O, but your least favorite flavor, and lose one really close friend in exchange for the pool? (No maintenance is required for the pool, and you do not know any raccoons who are dying.)
The Public Domain Of Me
To the best of my knowledge, I have only been quoted in a widely-read publication once in my entire life. Perhaps it’s important to qualify widely-read: I was quoted in my high school newspaper. Assuming even a slight fraction of the student body read it, then we’re talking a few hundred people reading a statement from me—perhaps the largest audience I’ve ever had. Who was reading isn’t nearly as...